Monday, July 15, 2013

More "AP" Than You Think

If you're a parent on the internet, you've likely heard of a parenting philosophy called "Attachment Parenting" or "AP". You've also likely developed a strong opinion about it, one way or the other. Proponents of AP swear by its principles and credit it with fostering healthy, balanced, secure children; while its critics revile it as overly permissive, too difficult to maintain, and even anti-feminist. Allow me to reveal my bias: I'm a proponent. As with most aspects of the "Mommy Wars," there is little middle ground...or is there?



Let's start with defining Attachment Parenting. Contrary to a common belief, "Attachment" does not refer to literal, physical attachment, although it's true that AP parents are often within close proximity with their children in infancy. It refers instead to emotional attachment; a feeling of security, trust, and bonding between parent and child. While Dr. Sears (who I adore) and his "7 Baby B's" (which I, personally, find to be a bit too specific and restrictive in how they are interpreted) are often associated with Attachment Parenting, my preference is for Attachment Parenting International's (API) 8 Principles of Parenting. They are as follows:







  • Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
  • Feed with Love and Respect
  • Respond with Sensitivity
  • Use Nurturing Touch
  • Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
  • Provide Consistent and Loving Care
  • Practice Positive Discipline
  • Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life


  • That sounds pretty balanced, right? Pretty attainable? Pretty adaptable to the lives of most parents? But wait, what about the part where you MUST have an un-medicated birth at home? What about the part where you MUST exclusively breast feed? Or the part where you MUST use cloth diapers? Or the part where you MUST sleep in bed with your baby? Or the part where you MUST invest in an arsenal of slings, wraps, and carriers? Or the part where you MUST make your own organic baby food and sew all of your own clothes? Or the part where you CANNOT leave your baby in the care of anyone other than the mother and therefore CANNOT work outside of the home? Where are those parts of AP?

    Those are not parts of AP. It is true that many AP mothers give birth at home and breast feed. It is true that many AP parents use slings and carriers. It is true that many AP families share a family bed. It is true that many AP families embrace more "natural" choices like cloth diapers or organic food. It is also true that many AP families have a stay at home parent. These are some of the specific tools and choices available that work for some families and help them to put these philosophies into practice. They are not the only way.

    You can give birth in a hospital (even with medication or surgically) and be an AP parent. You can feed your baby formula and be an AP parent. You can own a stroller and be an AP parent. Your baby can sleep in a crib, and even in a separate room from you, and you can be an AP parent. You can use disposable diapers. You can work outside of the home. You can even *gasp* be a man and be an AP parent.

    Am I watering down Attachment Parenting? Am I trying to make the label so free and easy that every parent can call themselves AP? No. There are certainly some choices that are not consistent with Attachment Parenting. Bottle propping? Not loving or respectful. Spanking? Not sensitive or positive. Putting your baby to bed in a place where you can't hear their cries and not checking them until morning? Not emotionally safe sleep. Staying home every second of every day, to the detriment of your personal interests, social life, or desired career? Not balanced.


     Not everyone is an AP parent. But if you take a balanced approach to family life, if you strive to respond sensitively and positively to your children, if you seek to consistently meet their physical and emotional needs in a loving and respectful way, then you just might be more AP than you think.

    I am pleased to share this post with Tales of an Unlikely Mother today. Check her out for frank feminism, hilarious Pinterest fails, adorable photos and videos of her twins, and parenting tips and tricks. 

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    17 comments:

    1. One issue that I think is integral for physical/emotional well-being and a child's sense of safety is circumcision. I think this issue does not come up enough in AP discussions. By it's very definition, circumcision has no place in the AP philosophy.

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      1. I started to respond to your comment, but it turned into its own blog post! :)

        http://www.fineandfairblog.com/2013/07/attachment-parenting-and-circumcision.html

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    2. I agree, Jenna! Routine infant circumcision of boys in the U.S. is a very cruel and unnecessary "welcome to the world" indeed.

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      1. While I share the anti-RIC sentiment, I wrote a bit about why I don't see it as an AP issue here: http://www.fineandfairblog.com/2013/07/attachment-parenting-and-circumcision.html

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    3. I agree! I don't think a "true" practicing attachment parent would circumcise their child - it just goes against everything attachment parenting! But it's always such a pain to bring it up because all it does it cause trouble - which is why I think it gets left out a lot of times.

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      1. Here are my thoughts on AP and RIC: http://www.fineandfairblog.com/2013/07/attachment-parenting-and-circumcision.html

        I didn't bring it up because API does not have a stance on it.

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    4. I disagree. I proudly consider myself an AP parent and my son is circumcised. It was a very tough decision, but it was one that I made proudly. It was important to my husband and is medically proven to be beneficial to boys and men. It is recommended by the AAP, helps prevent infection, stds, and cancer in both the man and his sexual partner. I think it is extremely important to make sure that it is performed by a good loving doctor who ensures that it is not painful for the child. It is a serious decision but it is one that I educated myself on and believe it is best for my son. People also get their wisdom teeth and appendices removed for medical purposes. I dont see it as much different. It was done lovingly (not the horror story people tell) and to help keep my son healthy.

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      1. Hi Julia! While I am opposed to RIC and would encourage you to do further research (much of what you have cited here is either misleading or flat-out false), I would never exclude you from the AP community based on your decision. Circumcision is a human rights issue, not an attachment parenting one.

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    5. Julia, with all due respect please do not think that your son's circumcision was painless and "loving." He screamed and was held down, there is no other way. It does not prevent stds, safe sex does. And where in the world did you read circumcision prevents cancer in sexual partners? Wisdom teeth are pulled at a time when the person can decide for themselves if they would like them out. Appendisitis is a medical emergency. You have already made your decision and what's done is done. I implore you to research this further. There are millions of healthy uncircumcised men in this world. My son is 8 months and has not had a single issue being intact. His father is intact and has never once had an infection. I am only saying that you have veen ill informed. Educate yourself. Best of luck on your journey.

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      1. While you make very good points for the case against circumcision, it is not fair to Julia to attack her (and to any mother, what you have said sounds very attacking) and exclude her from being an AP parent. We are all mothers trying to navigate raising our children in the best way that we can, using what we feel is right for our families. I applaud anyone who is adopting any method of the API philosophies.

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      2. I simply relayed facts. I'm not sure how written word can "sound" attacking but there is no sugar coating circumcision. It's a human rights issue in my eyes.

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      3. Amy-I agree, it is a human rights issue, not an AP issue.

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    7. Loved this article! Thankfully circumcision isn't performed routinely in the UK, unless for medical or religious reasons, but think about it... how CAN it possibly be painless? We no longer cut off puppies' tails and clip their ears, but we allow this to happen to baby boys... just wrong. If an adult male chooses to be circumcised, fine.

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      1. I agree with you. The US has a lot to learn regarding circumcision. But we are seeing more people educating themselves on the matter. Less than 50 % snip their innocent boys now. It's promising!

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    8. I completely agree, and I thank you for writing this!

      I'll be featuring this post at The Tuesday Baby Link Up tomorrow. :-)

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    9. I love this post! So many of us beat ourselves up about doing things a certain way, or not "doing enough" or 'being enough"--at least I certainly do. I can get wrapped up in the particulars but remembering the 8 principles is a way of regaining more balance and looking at the big picture.

      Also, I love how this post closes the divide a little bit. I think some people would be shocked to realize how instinctual some AP practices are. Thanks for sharing :)

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