Sunday, October 20, 2013

Reconnecting with my Dear Delilah

Dear Delilah,

The last few weeks have been challenging ones. Between you starting preschool, me working a few more hours, and all of the small but significant ways those changes impact our routines, there's been a whole lot of adjusting to do that hasn't always been smooth.

Sometimes, it's been downright ugly.

If I'm being honest, and as I'm seeing more clearly now that I'm taking some time and space to process just how and why things have gone off the rails as much as they have recently, my expectations have been unrealistic. I've been expecting too much from you, and I've been expecting too much from me, too. I have ignored what I know to be the limits on my energy, my patience, my time. I have pushed aside or postponed until later your very real needs for my affection and undivided attention. You have expressed those needs in the best way that you know how, which sometimes involved refusing my requests, or whining, or crying and stomping feet. I have lost my temper, which sometimes involved yelling, slamming doors, or crying and stomping feet.

We have been caught in a cycle of pushing each other's buttons, and of responding poorly to having our buttons pushed.

I, being the adult here, am committed to being proactive in healing the dynamic between us, and in better expressing and managing my uncomfortable feelings, like anger or frustration. Some of that is work that I have to do on my own, like using my knowledge of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to be mindful of my thinking errors, which lead to uncomfortable feelings, which lead to inappropriate behaviors. (Being angry or frustrated is fine, yelling and slamming doors because I'm angry or frustrated is not fine.) I can't count the number of times in the past few weeks that I have let flawed thoughts spiral out of control. Thoughts like: "I can't handle this." "I'm not capable." "I'm a horrible mother." "I'm not cut out for this." Those thoughts do not serve me, and I must be mindful not to let my mind run away with them.

I need to be more aware of my own self-care needs. I need enough sleep, I need enough physical activity, I need enough quiet and peaceful time to myself, I need enough coffee, and I need enough yoga.


This is about more than just me, though, and I have some work to do with you, too. Primarily, I need to pay more attention to your needs and your cues, and I need to have realistic expectations about how patient a nearly 4 year old is capable of being. I need to give you bigger helpings of my undivided attention. I need to play, really play with you more, rather than expecting you to be satisfied with helping make dinner or handing me a wipe during your brother's diaper change as quality interaction. I need to sit down and just snuggle and be with you.

The last few Sundays have been really good for reconnecting with you. Last Sunday, you spent the afternoon outside with me while I planted tulip and crocus bulbs. I could have had it done in an hour, but I let you help dig and fill in the holes, and when you got bored and wanted to play in the leaves instead, I went and grabbed a rake, burying you in leaves as requested, then letting you bury me, our giggles drifting through the neighborhood. Today, we spent the day snuggled up and reading books, singing, and chatting the day away. A few times when I'd return from throwing a load of laundry in the dryer or stirring the stew, you'd pat the couch next to you and ask me to sit by you. Rather than asking you to hold on or wait a minute, I simply sat where you asked me, pulled you in close, and kissed the top of your head while you seemed to melt right into my body, the body that carried you for 9 months, then nursed you for over 2 years.

These close, connected, joyful moments with you recharge me, and I will make a conscious effort to have at least a brief moment of true, uninterrupted connection with you each morning, before the hustle and bustle of getting ready and leaving the house carries us both away. Despite this phase that has been difficult for both of us, I am grateful and humbled to be your mother. You continue to teach me about myself, about parenting, and about the world. You continue to delight me with your energy, your creativity, your wit, your spunk, your sass, and your kind and gentle nature. I know that I'm not a perfect mother, and I hope that you'll forgive me my mistakes, knowing that I tried to recognize and learn from them, learning and growing right alongside you.

Love,

Mama

3 comments:

  1. Spending time will your kids is the best feeling one can have especially the ones who are really attached to kids. I just love my nieces and nephews.

    ReplyDelete
  2. purchase Drugs online with bitcoin, CashApp and PayPal payment. We offer delivery right to your home in Canada, USA, UK worldwide of the same products.

    Buy drugs online from Drugs-Center, the biggest Dealer in US and EU for cocaine, cannabis, heroin, xtc and more drugs by paying anonymous.

    http://www.clubpillsonline.com/

    cocaine for sale
    buy dmt
    heroin for sale
    buy mdma
    amphetamine for sale
    order crack
    buy coke
    ecstasy for sale
    cocaine
    heroin
    clubpillsonline


    buy all your pills here, cocaine for sale online, buy ecstasy, amphetamine pills, crack, cocaine, research chemicals, MDMA pills, powder cocaine for sale, painkillers on sale, pure heroin for sale, buy dmt powder, brown heroin for sale, buy cocaine with bitcoin, buy LSD with paypal, buy LSD with cashapp


    Buy Powder Cocaine in united kingdom

    buy 79% Pure White Heroin Powder in Denmark

    buy 61% Pure Brown Heroin in Belgium

    order Black Tar Heroin in Poland

    buy 80% Pure Rolls Royce Heroin in Switzerland

    buy Skype XTC MDMA Pills in Dubai

    buy Molly Green Hulk Pills in Ireland

    buy Yellow Illuminati Ecstasy 160mg in south Africa

    buy MDMA 100mg Pills in Portugal

    buy DMT online in Bangladesh

    buy Tesla Ecstasy Pills in Siri lanka

    buy Crack Cocaine in Australia

    buy Freebase Cocaine in Sweden

    buy Xanax Alprazolam 1mg & 2mg in Yemen

    buy Hydrocodone online in Saudi Araba

    buy Tramadol 100mg in Brazil

    buy Methadone Hydrochloride 10mg online in Spain

    buy Celebrex 100 & 200mg online in asia

    buy Oxycodone Hydrochloride online in Yemen

    buy Alprazolam (Xanax) powder online in usa

    buy Amphetamine powder online in Bangladesh

    buy Dextroamphetamine powder online in Ireland

    buy 2C-E (4-ethyl-2,5-dimethoxy) in Norway

    buy Mephedrone Crystal in Saudi Araba

    buy A-PVP Crystal online in Australia

    buy Ketamine online in Germany

    buy Ephedrine Crystal in usa

    buy Crystal Meth in Poland

    MAM-2201 for sale online in france

    Amphetamine Pills for sale online in Turkey

    buy Adderall Amphetamine 30mg for sale online in Spain

    buy Molly (MDMA) 150mg Capsules online in Italy

    Buy Cocaine Online,MDMA Pills For Sale,Order Pure Heroin

    Order pure cocaine online – Pure cocaine for sale

    Order MDMA Pills Online Cheap – MDMA pills for sale

    Buy pure heroin online, Heroin for sale cheap

    Buy powders & research chemicals,research chemicals for sale

    Buy powders online,order pure research chemicals

    DMT for sale – Buy DMT online

    Cheap stores to shop online

    Buy Xanax bar online – Anxiety Painkiller for sale

    Club Pills Online is a legit drug and powder supplier that offers you the best out of the best drugs available in the streets and dark market. All the products we sell have been tested and approved by the best consumers. we understand the customer's needs for the medications in demand and take full responsibility to deliver them at your doorstep no matter where you are.

    cocaine for sale,buy dmt,heroin for sale,buy mdma,amphetamine for sale,order crack,buy coke,ecstasy for sale,cocaine,heroin

    Website: www.clubpillsonline.com

    WhatsApp/Text/Call: +1(585)653-0813

    Email: clubpillsonline@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...